It didn't matter what I did; it was wrong, it didn't matter what I said, it was offensive, it didn't matter how I did it; even if it was exactly the way they liked it was still not sufficient.
The abuse I took for perfectly pleasing that individual only to be scorned, then ridicule and deeply chastised. It hurt so much. I've been scared for life.
I remember there was an accident, I was clear from the scene. The only thing I was guilty of was being there prior. I was held guilty and full wrath was placed on poor little me.
The individual upset and vengefully looked into my eyes and said. ''I despised you, I despised the floor you walk on. By the way as I got older and I started to understand the depth of that word despised It hurt even more.
She was really saying she thought of me as negligible, worthless, or distasteful. Wow! Could you imagine you loving someone who you daily made an all effort attempt to please; saying that to you? How could you say that? I was just a wanting, needy, child?
I know that numbness you feel deep down inside, when you do all you can do; and still wind-up empty, hopeless and un-loved.
I know that feeling; when you have nothing more to give.Yet still find a reserved spot from the deepest part of your soul and give. Still; it's not enough. Even an ounce of gratitude. NO! Nothing.
You are so broken that if you got a smile or a simple acknowledgement would move mountains. Yet you still come up short.
That feeling of rejection and neglect and feeling worthless is so hard to carry.
You just want to give up, you just want to leave, you just want to hate. You just want to be rescued, you just want to be held, you just want to be told I love you, you just want to be appreciated, you just want that acknowledgement.
Can't you see? I'm fighting for your love; for you to love me.
You just want that person to see you at your core and realize that there is something you need from them.
You are weighed, broken and found wanting.
The one you love is choosing not to reciprocate that love.
You're stuck in between natural affection Verses manufactured response.
Please show? Please make love to me; & I would love you forever I promise, I would. That's all it would take.
The dichotomy is.........
The hurt makes you feel so lost yet the love inside of you still continues to make you try. It madness! Yet you can't switch it off because you are just executing the kindness of your core.
Even my words can't justify the heartache that follows.
I understand. God understands. Yet I can't make you love me if you don't.
Sadly, friends if you are in this situation. I have no answer, but I can tell you how I have gotten through my situation.
If You are looking for the affection from a dad, sister, mom, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, daughter, son, friend, relative, co- worker or even your self etc.
I have to say this. Sometimes what we need from other people we can't always get because that very same person may not have acquired it to give.
The way you show love may not be the way that individual expresses their love. Sometimes we may be blinded by our own expectations. So much, so that we miss what is before our very eyes. Often; there is a subtile way that person may be expressing love but you unknowingly disregard the gesture. Be diligent.
Love is not selfish so be aware that at some point you might be the one that is selfish expecting someone to love you a certain way when they can't.
I highly recommend reading the Five love languages by Gary Chapman
Keep this in mind: Love is separate from abuse. Let's not confused the two.
At some breaking point in your life you will have to make a choice of your wants and needs. What is best for you? What will you be willing to sacrifice?
Begin to love yourself? Do you love this person beyond what is mentally, spiritually, physically right for you? If you do not love yourself then your in trouble. Truly; you are looking for love in the wrong places and your dilemma is beyond what I can even suggest. The answer is within you and God.
Before you can even love anyone truly, you have to have a deep love and understanding for and of yourself.
You have to experience the perfect love God. Before man even existed there was his love.
Most people can only love on the premise of what a society, culture and influence portrays. Yes! This is the gist of our values and lives.
Although those factors are most important it goes beyond.
Love assures affection with certainty to accountability, loyalty and understanding. You need to establish that within yourself. Before you can expect it from someone.
Knowing, your value helps you decipher what is good for you and what is not.
It helps you realize what you can take and what you can no longer take or make excuses for.
Start with acknowledging that you can't help who you love. To love was our commandment from God so love. However, we can control magnitude to how we show, give and provide adequate response. Cause and causation
We can lower some of the expectations to how we want to be reciprocated in love. Again being sensitive due to all situations may differ. This is especially important to undeserving individuals.
Think about this example you have $5.00 this is the amount of money you have. Unsure to when the rest will come. You have to get some fruits (example ofcourse) from the grocery store. How will you spend that money? Will you just randomly pick whatever fruit you find and cash out. Or will you carefully, examine fruit choosing the best that will reasonable suit you?
Whatever answer is your choice. It is yours to keep and hence you will have to live with.
Be diligent with you heart, be gentle and use wisdom.
Sometimes; for your hearts sake you have to walk away from that person you love. Sometimes loving that person from afar is far better than upfront combat of mind and heart.
Which I'm my case is where I found my solace.I learned to walk away, I taught myself to stop expecting. I found the love of God.
I hope and prayed for the right people to love and in return love me. I carefully; examined them like the fruits I referenced earlier shifting the bad from the good and I used wisdom. Oh boy! Did I make some mistakes. Live and learn. I learned some people need to go. While some folks are ready to love you if you let them.
I had to come to the realization that It was ok for me to love you." BUT SURE AS HELL NOT acceptable FOR YOU TO MISTREAT ME!" This is the point where loving that person pauses and loving yourself begins. On all terms abuse should never be tolerated and should never be traded for love and respect. I understand situations and other factors come to place but abuse should never be accepted. Have I made it clear.
I can't make you love me if you don't; but God loves me, I love me, I love you and in due time if you can stop giving OTHERS who don't see your value your time, your energy and your pain . You will one day find that someone who will love all of you.
Psalm 34:8 New International Version (NIV)8 Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
There has never been one day spent with the Lord. That his Love, his Guidance, his peace wasn't enough for me. Every obstacle, ever heartache, every void has been filled with his perfect love. There is nothing sweeter in this world than the perfection of the Father, Son,(Jesus) and his Holy Spirit. If you give him you heart, He will supply the rest.
New International Version (NIV)
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
Simply Zsa Zsah
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The Five Love Languages By Gary Chapman
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