Have you ever felt so heartbroken that moving forward felt like something only one could speak of?
That was me when I met this boy. He came into my life when I had taken so much heartache their was none left to even give him a piece. I was bitter, angry and scared. On so many levels this boy was led to the exit; but continued en route. What was his agenda? Did he think that I was going to let my guard down and have him trample over me like everyone who had snatched a piece of my heart. Oh no! The nerve of this Man.
I had devised a plan to escape from him and stop him head on from hurting me. It consist of every possible thing that could make someone hate you in 30 seconds. The abuse I put him through. Why was it not working? The more I tried to push him away the more he stayed consistent. He messed me all up. Something was wrong I told myself. He is not normal he has to have a mental problem. So then I formulated a plan to discover his sickness. Shucks! Nothing there. He must be gay. Nope straight as a pin. Why is he in my life then? Why is he not hurting me?
Why can't I recognized what he's going to do to me? Why can't I see it? He's going to crush me?
Are you ready?.......... It was because that boy was not going to hurt me. That boy came into my life a boy hoping, he can develop into a man with me. I was just too stupid to see he was everything I had hoped for.
Somehow, I allow my pain to consume my life; my thoughts and my relations. I was so clouded with the grief of my pain that I almost lost the best thing that happened to me. That boy has spent almost two decades of my life mended my broken heart. His tenacity in pursuit of making a woman out of me has succeeded .That Boy then is now the strong Man I call my husband. The king of our castle and the Head of our home. He truly is all man. His strength can move mountains. He's all mine.
I know that they are many challenges when it comes to dating. Heck! They are even more challenges being married. I made a clear choice that I was going to punish this innocent boy who had done me nothing. On the sole premise of my past. Later on in our relationship I asked him what made him stay with me he said. ''I looked at you. I love you. Not your past, Not your pain, I sought your heart. Somehow he knew the real core of me was buried there. And he wanted to experience the fullness of it.
He saw a women that passionately and fiercely fought for anyone she loved. My heart he was invested into not my words.
(My words then my gosh! would create war for many nations. Stay tune for another blog).
The point I am trying to make is sometimes we take our past into our present and although without recognizing we do. We set ourselves up for hurting the ones that so want to be there for us. It's hard but if you're aware it gets better.
We create a shield for what's coming. When we don't even know what's embarking. Now friends I am not saying not to protect your heart. Please do. I just want to make you aware of how we do so. My story may differ than yours. If you take anything at all from this blog; remember this.........
Let your past be your lessons learnt. Don't let it define you future.
In my story I allowed my hurt to withdraw from letting someone care and love me. I am happy and so grateful my husband remained patient with me. If he wasn't I would have lost one of the best things that have ever happened to me. My husband has remained as consistent throughout the years and has loved me past my pain and everyday; I look at him mesmerized and overwhelm with love for him.
He never came to cause me pain but help me through it. I love him.
He is the love of my life. We have fought through some remarkable battles and while still maintaining our love and respect for each other. Although not perfect.We've grown into each other with grace and have a deep understanding of each other. Even when we disagree.
The nerve of this man! Swooping in with strength and patience coming into my life and Loving me into the woman I am today.
Regretfully; The nerve I had for putting him through the despicable things I did and said. I am sorry. AND THE NERVE for thinking that I wasn't deserving of finding love or living without heartbreak.You see what ever you are looking for in this life can happen with just a simple adjustment to your attitude. If you feel like you can't find that partner or you can't relate to that person you care about. Take a good look at yourself start there.
It was a process and it didn't happen overnight But I FOUGHT FOR myself and I fought for him. He deserved to be love and I am going to love him. I am going to give him all of me.
I fought to be the best me. I had to heal first.Actually; I'm still healing.
Sheesh! Its a miracle I'm no where close to where I once was.
While he was searching to find my heart. I was searching to mend it. I spent many nights deciphering who I wanted to be & who I didn't want to be. I fought day and night a war searching for my balance. I had to learn to love myself all of me including my hurt, including my past; including my shortcomings.
My past is no LONGER in full cooperation WITH matters of my heart and soul. My past has resorted to cooperate with my brain to learn and put things to rests with proper execution. It's just the molding to the finish product.
Romans 12:2 New King James Version (NKJV)
2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
That just means.
Don't try to fit in with the world, try renewing your thought process. Doing your best to be pleasing to our Heavenly Father. The rest will follow
Don't expect Love if you are not responsible to give it.
Thank you for Shaping me. May I strive to be the best I can be. May I be in alignment with you and who you created me to be. Let your will be done in me.
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