It's been Awhile and boy do I have a lot to share.
Let's delve in......
I don't know how I got in this predicament. But I went there. I found myself in a place where I was so confused, unsure about myself, insecure and afraid.
My walk with Christ has been the most important thing in my life. My love for God is beyond my marriage and beyond my Children. I say that not to express neglect as to my role as wife or mother; but to emphasize that I am at my best in those roles because of the love of God. Although a childhood deeply rooted in church. My Love for God ignited in a dark room in Brooklyn, New York, prepared and ready to end my life. It was the touch of the Holy Spirit that comforted me when I had given up on life. It was the mercy of God that allowed me to live. It was God choosing me; so I could in return choose him and love him.
From that day of encounter until now I have spent my entire being engulfed in the things of God. I spend and spent hours in prayer, worship, repentance and adoration. Every so called prerequisite of Christianity & ministry, I have done. Became an ordained evangelist, went to seminary school graduated with honors, lead worship in church, baptism, intercession, dance, flags, warfare etcetera. I did it all; and I did it well. I loved and enjoyed partaking in those roles very much. But......... My passion AND DRIVE plummeted for a moment. I was spiritually burned out, churched out and so sick of the mess of the things I saw in church I was over it.
Something happened very traumatic. I was in church the place where healing and deliverance was to take place. But all I saw was egos so high, attitudes and disunity. This was my sacred happy place and with my own eyes it was like a war zone and not really for the best of reasons. I truly felt like the misfit. I thought differently and no one really could relate.
I had high reverential standards and my expectations were beyond what I was apart of. But I was dying slowly, surrounded by some people who are so broken themselves to encourage me. I found out then that sometimes hurt people hurt people. This is why we need the Holy Spirit when we expect more from others than they can offer pain is inevitable. My biggest mistake is that my expectations were too high and I should have made God my one stop resolution.
Trying to reflect back to when it began. I get flustered with emotions. Even the wise get caught off guard. I lost my focus I wanted to serve so faithfully, I was so pure at heart, I was so innocent. I was naive.
I was in new place of worship and everything took off. It was wonderful I was on the cusp of everything I always wanted, Happy to serve, faithfully of course and passionately. I pour out beyond myself in most cases. Oh it was a splendor! What could go wrong right?
What I had to learn is that in you striving to be the best for God; others too who are striving can sometimes feel threatened by your growth. The spirit of Jealousy, envy, hatred, and utter reproach began to take effect towards me at times in plain sight and sometimes behind closed doors. Things too shady and disgraceful to tell. At Church Yup! Right there.
I was accustomed to it in my professional life and strived well because it gave me a competitive drive but in the house of God it was heartbreaking for me. I was grieving consistently without rest. It was overwhelmingly offsetting to how mean spirited People could be in the place I held dear.
Others who felt as though I came to take their place; threw their painful jabs. It appears I stepped on a few toes on my pursuit to give God Glory. Never in my life I've ever experienced this kind of atmosphere in any of my previous church settings. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. Perhaps it was always there and maybe just never showed but I had found myself in hostile territory and it was uncomfortable.
I knew it going in. I felt it but I thought if I could love my way through it, it would be ok. I thought perhaps those people who were threatened would realize I'm not a threat to them but a friend and so I strived at being good to everyone despite all the piercing arrows or darts thrown my way.
I stepped aside from positions letting them have the opportunity to shine, praying for them and helping them even when I knew they would take every chance they got to bury me. But I loved God I couldn't stop now I had to keep going. I was not a physical fighter at least not in the way that hurts others. I am a lover of all. I am thrilled when I see others shine especially; if I had the privilege of helping them do just so.
But I'm the realm of the Spirit, God had chosen me to be a warrior of high efficiency. I have warfare and the multifaceted dimensions of it under my belt. I understand quite well as Holy Spirit has been my teacher. But in my humanity I am as fragile as a caterpillar. So I told myself in order to survive this shark tank I would do just this....... Guard myself so well that absolutely no one can get too close to hurt me, but they did anyway.
When that didn't work. Then This..........
I had told myself that in order to get to heaven I had to master every aspect of ministry. I was on a heavy Spiritual conquest. I was determine to reach the pinnacle of every dimension of every role I had taken up. Believe me in the very beginning it was wonderful. My walk with God became intense and I was on hyper super drive I was reaching depths, deep depths in my spiritual walk, hitting realms and transcending to places of prayer and intercession some will live a lifetime without reaching.
My warfare was serious, intense and I never slept, I was attacked on every level, I was achieving my ultimate Goal. I was so happy. I was flowing it felt great. The more I saw and received the more I became desensitized to what was best for me. I became like a machine gun in prayer and my ammunition chamber was always fully loaded at the slightest touch it would be fully activated on annihilation and utter desolation. I was fighting the good fight of faith doing it all the wrong way.
I was a mechanical christian doing everything right for the wrong reason. Somehow, I lost my way in ministry, Yes I did, I was performing at a high level and losing at an even higher capacity. I was losing myself right in the middle of church, smacked in the middle of intercession, during fellowship and especially in faithfulness. I was sinking, I was alone, surrounded by sharks and feeling confused.
Deep huh? How could this be? Matter of Mind and of thought. I know now God allowed me to have this experience so I can gain perspective on what not to be. What I had to discover was although I was serving in the platform of ministry and trying to be an obedient servant to my upper spiritual leader. I allowed myself to be so available for others that I wasn't available to God. I neglected the balance of life and Spirituality. I was being Martha in the Bible (Luke 10:38-42) instead of being like Mary.
I was spiritually imbalanced. Somehow I was persuaded that this was what I ought to be. Perhaps for others that was the case but for me it was not. YES! Serve the Lord and do it well. But in serving him do it with a loyal heart and passionate Spirit. For me I started loyal and passionately and mid way my passion left and it became duty instead of passion. Sucked away by the efforts to please people. Drained by the effort to care what others think.
Let me give you an example. A woman gets married lands a great Job moves to a new city with her family, makes the excess of money in new career but never is available to husband and kids when they need her.
Eventually, the marriage is neglected and kids lose out on the relationship with mom, seeking maternal guidance elsewhere. Mom is just providing for children and doing absolutely nothing wrong but her important relationships suffer.
I was doing absolutely nothing wrong; but my intimate relationship with God took a hit. When I realized what was happening to me. I dropped everything found myself on my knees asking God to forgive me that I made it about me and others than about him. I went on a sabbatical journey away from the positions I once held and I realized this one very important thing. You cannot perform your way to heaven. God is after your heart. It's your heart that all truth comes from. Longevity is not loyalty and mastery is not perfection.
I walked away because it was more important to me to have deep, reverent intimate intercourse with God; Rather than satisfying or pleasing the desires of men or seeking after any title of prestige. I recognized; before it was too late.
Before it was too late. I did what I needed to do; to strengthen my christian walk. I did what I had to do to regain my connection, my joy, my passions for God. I did what I had to do to connect on a higher spiritual level; the right way with my maker. I did what I had to do to be lead by the spirit of God.
I did what I had to do; so I could see what never to be. I did what I had to do to make me a better Child, leader, mother, wife, and woman of God. My desire is to be one that God delights himself in and one who is close to God's heart. Before It was too late, I chose not to be what the world expected of me but what God requires from Me.
Please note: I don't want to discourage anyone from pursuing ministerial goals. Also, I don't want you to think that I will never continue in my Journey of doing the things of God. Quite frankly, It's so embedded in me that I cannot run from it. But I took the time to reflect in my sabbatical to understand the weight of the responsibility, the burden, the pleasure, the challenges and most importantly the sensitivity of the balance. Knowing that I have been called to a purpose higher than myself or my feelings; that requires me to understand the importance of moderation and balance.
Before it's too late. Take a moment to reflect on your walk with God. Make sure that your purpose and pursuit are in alignment with Gods plan for your life. God never exerted or exploited himself on his children but rather offers them the opportunity to come to him in humility. Make sure you have a good understanding and balance of being spiritual. Have a good healthy attitude towards service, devotion, submission and the balance of life, relationship and unity.
Psalms 100:1-4 King James Version Says:
Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.
2 Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.
3 Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
Before it's too late make sure that you value your life and your salvation and that you are working it out individually with all fear to God and not on any other agenda. Before it's too late remember it is all about Jesus.
Lastly; I end with this. The Glory of the Lord brings blessings, destroys strongholds and restores all at the same time. In this God should always be glorified from the depths of your heart; and from no other place. He wants it all, he is jealous after you and he wants you to worship him in Spirit and in truth.
Before too late love me always,
Simply Zsa Zsah
I started blogging as a way to share my journey discovering myself and my challenges in a way to inspire you, the reader, and myself the writer. What I didn't anticipate is that my blogs would touch the lives of so many and it would be so therapeutic and healing. Thank you for sharing your emails and your comments. I hold you dear in my prayers may God be with you as he is with me.
I do not own rights to this song.